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Janice remained at the table with her friends looking pissed. I turned away before she saw me but did my best to listen, which wasn't too difficult because Janice was a little drunk and loud. The gist of her rant was "he's a jealous prick and I'm getting tired of it. Probably two weeks went by before I saw her at the bar again, this time with the girlfriends and no boyfriend. The band started to play a song I could dance to, so I walked over to her table.

We dated for a month before there was any intimacy; she didn't seem in a hurry and I didn't push. The first time we made love was something out of a romance novel. We had dinner at an Italian restaurant dining on great pasta, two bottles of fine red wine and tiramisu for dessert. It wasn't my intention to get Janice drunk, but in the back of my mind I was hoping to lower her inhibitions just a bit. We went back to my apartment and before the door was even closed Janice was in my arms laying the hottest kiss on my lips.

Up to that point I had probably bedded ten women, but nothing prepared me for that night. Janice was a firecracker. Our tongues played with each other's while our hands roamed.

I unbuttoned her blouse, unsnapped her bra and played with the most beautiful set of breasts you can imagine. When I squeezed her nipples she let out a moan. After playing with her nipples for a few minutes I reached under her skirt to play with her pussy. The rest of our clothes quickly ended up on the floor. For the next three hours we ravished each other's bodies.

Janice deep throated my cock all the way to my balls. I ate her clit while fingering her. And the first time I sunk my cock in her cunt it was like it belonged there. We looked in each other's eyes while I rammed my cock into her. Her hips kept on moving in rhythm with mine.

The best part was Janice was very vocal about what pleased her. I had women who screamed for Jesus and women that never made a sound. What is it about women that they can't help you please them? I don't get that -- I don't order their meal when we go out to a restaurant, and I don't pick the TV show or movie without asking for their opinion.

So what makes a woman think I know where my tongue and fingers should go when we're in bed? I mean, we've never had a vagina, so give us men a clue! And that's what Janice did -- she gave me clues -- that night and any night I needed them. It made me feel like the Number 1 stud. Not only that, but because Janice was so willing to share, I felt I could do the same.

As great as Janice was at giving a blow job due to her excellent ability to deep throat, sometimes you just want to have your knob played with, so I felt comfortable telling Janice to just suck or lick my knob; or how to just nibble the spot just below the underside of the knob for that intense tickle.

More than once I came all over her nose, eyes and hair while she teased that spot on my dick. You get the picture; the sex was great. I didn't care where or with whom Janice learned her talents in the bedroom -- or any of the other rooms we christened over the next few months, just as long as she was now exclusively mine.

Every indication was that she was mine, she never gave me a reason to doubt her. Four months after that first night I took Janice dancing at the tavern where we first danced together and asked her to marry me. She said 'yes' and we set the date for the first Saturday in June. About two months after our engagement I was sitting in the same tavern with a good friend when Janice's ex-boyfriend walked by our table on his way out.

He stopped and looked at me. I just wish you all the best if you two get married; especially given her peculiarities when it comes to exclusiveness. I figured he was just a bitter SOB and shook my head.

Another few things about my past life you need to know, because they become important later. First - I was a very good wrestler in my youth. I wrestled for four years in high school and was given a scholarship at a state university. Things were going great for me until my junior year. I was wrestling a guy from our cross state rival and leading him on points when the lights in my head went out. Turns out the asshole was so pissed about losing to me that he rammed his knee into my balls.

I spent the next two days in the hospital having the blood drained out of my scrotum. When recovered I was out for the remainder of the season, lost all interest in school and ended up dropping out of college and got a job with a local builder. In case you're curious the other wrestler ended up getting kicked off the team and lost his scholarship.

I was asked if I wanted to press charges for assault but didn't to put it all behind me. Second - My father died when I was 12 years old and my mother died ten years later. Since I didn't have any siblings and my parents weren't close to their extended families it left a great big hole in my heart until years later when l met and latched onto Janice's mother Penny as a surrogate parent.

Janice's father had left the family when Janice was in her late teens, so it was just the three of us. Janice would send her father a birthday and Christmas card every year, but she never heard back from him; he didn't attend our wedding or even send a note in response to our invitation.

Her mother walked her down the aisle and gave her away. I make my living as a finish carpenter specializing in restoration work. I'm one of the best on the west coast and most of my jobs are restoring old mansions that rich people with too much money have bought. Not bad for a not-so-bright college drop out. Unfortunately, this means I need to travel and spend one or two weeks away every month.

The difficult part with working as a tradesman for rich people is they can treat you like either a peon or an invisible man. She's good but she is very expensive. Something my solicitor can never offer. I have had sittings and have had more practical advice than I have had from my solicitor who is process driven and has no emotional connect for last months and I don't even want to mention how much I have paid her in this time. FNF has been amazing for me.

We are all in this together. He also charted a course for the future. We offer information, advice and support services helping parents to achieve a positive outcome for their children. One of the secrets of human behavior is that how we feel and how we behave act reciprocally upon one another. Pause and take inventory of the actions that you perform throughout the day.

Are they reflective of the actions you would take if you truly loved yourself? For most, the answer is no. You can take a huge step forward by treating yourself as though you are intrinsically worthy of love. There is no prescriptive blend of behaviors that works for everyone. However the actions below are unusually effective and worth experimenting with. In fact, they are common. Instead try one or two. Take the risk of treating yourself well and see what happens.

When I was living in Montreal, I had a roommate who pretended that every day was amazing. She said she loved God, loved life, and felt grateful just to be on Earth. There was a huge disconnect between the stories she told everyone including herself and her reality. She wanted every day to be bright, sunny, and joyful.

Just one little problem: Even the most beautiful, ancient forests are sometimes struck by lightning and burnt to the ground.

At first glance, this seems like tragic, wasteful destruction. The fire destroys the forest; the ashes feed the soil; the soil provides a stronger, more nurturing environment; the forest grows back more radiant than before. Beneath the pain, darkness and destruction rests a quiet core of growth, love, and beauty. This is true of a forest, and this is also true of a human. To step fully into the human experience you must embrace the darkness. At a more mundane level, it means realizing that suffering is part of the human experience.

To deny your suffering is to deny your humanity. You are a human. The second level of learning to love yourself is embracing who you really are. Cast away the societal bullshit of trying to be happy and content every second of your life and step into the greater reality of being honest about who you are and how you experience life. By doing so, you will create space to give and receive love. Doing this requires being honest about who you are, and that means embracing that you have a shadow side.

Have you ever felt fully loved? We live in a world that values a head far more than it values a heart. The only way a heart could survive is to protect itself with thick walls. The third and most difficult step involves finding, accepting, and removing the walls that protect your heart. I had a huge blind spot around being a child entertainer, that I simply could not have seen without a talented professional.

Begin by digging into your life story. The easiest way to do this is to create a space where you can express yourself freely. I suggest either writing in a journal or engaging in a verbal monologue, out loud, to yourself. Your task is to tell your life story from start to finish. Keep a photo of yourself as a child nearby while you go through these exercises. As you express yourself, go out of your way to be honest, vulnerable, and forthright.

Lean into your rough edges, your humanity, and your rawness. One of my friends is a survivor of repeated childhood sexual abuse. Worse still, her parents were aware of the abuse and did nothing to stop it. A few months ago, I was sharing something with her about how terrible it was being a child entertainer.

Until that moment, I had been a victim of myself. For years, I had been telling myself that doing magic shows before my 18 th birthday, at the expense of my childhood, had no negative effects on me.

The truth is, I was wrong. My past was affecting me. It was a big deal. Trauma and pain can be caused by obvious things like being raised by abusive parents, subtle things like a cruel word, and everything in between. Where it comes from is not a reflection of your worthiness, strength, or ability as a human. As you embrace this, you will start to feel an opening. The deep work of learning to love is done by shining a bright light on yourself and accepting the truth about things that happened in your past.

I am tempted to picture a fully formed, loving human as someone who lives in total bliss. Fawns eat from her hand and humming birds land on her shoulder to share their secrets.

Only one problem with this image: To be human is to be both stormy and sunny. It is to always be moving through the levels of self-love and self-compassion.

There will be times in your life when it makes sense to do the deep work. Take those opportunities when you can. There will be times when you can feel — and even influence — the flow of the world around you.

There will be times when stress catches up to you and even your favorite person pisses you off. Having a shitty day? In one of those stretches where everything you touch turns to gold? Use it for good. Your ultimate work in self-love is simply this: When times are tough, be gentle on yourself.

When times are good, relish them. When you do this, everything in the world will burn brighter because of you. Learn how to find trust in your own inner voice, connect to your innate confidence, and more fully step into your life. You'll also get exclusive content and updates on new articles. Calling my shot… Jason Connell. How to handle the emotional chaos of change Jason Connell.

A guide to overcoming self-doubt Jason Connell. How I transformed my life: What to do when the world grows dark Jason Connell. On life, death, and the moment Jason Connell. How to understand, cultivate, and focus your energy Jason Connell. Escaping the prison of unworthiness Jason Connell.

The emotional imprisonment of the modern male Jason Connell. How to make hard conversations easier and why I had five in one day Jason Connell. Thank you so much for writing and publishing this. Vivienne — this note means the world to me. Good luck on your journey. Hi Jason, Everything you said was on point. Perfectly worded, and really connected with me. I have a lot of trouble with consentrating whilst reading and always get distracted easily.

You are unique and very talented, you have connected with so many people and inspired people by being raw, genuine and wording things perfectly as if you have an amazing understanding of how we feel You truly have a gift and have given me a brand new outlook.

And I appreciate the affirmation more than I can tell you. Im so happy to have you as a reader, and grateful for this note. Thank you so much for years I have not been happy as a child I took care of my mother who was had a manic depressive disorder, missed out on my teen age years and did not have a chance to go to university. I have done very well for my self but never felt really loved thank you I think your article is very well written and has inspired me to be who I a warm caring person with more empathy towards human suffering than most folks on the planet.

Your path has been a tough one — needing to take care of the person who was supposed to take care of you is really, really hard.

On finding the strength to get back up Jason Connell. Bravo, and welcome to your new life. This is a wonderful article. You should make into a little booklet. I would buy some, keep one in my purse and give some to people I love! The thought alone makes me smile…. I was lucky to have found this article as I start my journey.

Very supportive and beautifully honest and frank. Thanks for sharing this knowledge with me Jason, you are part of my life changing journey. Honored to be part of your journey my friend. Hugs right back at ya. This article is so on point. I am the worst with self-loathing. And you are so right, why would you treat yourself this way when you would never treat someone else you love this way.

We have one life to live, why spend it feeling unloved. You write with honesty and heart. I really appreciate your comment and sincerity. Give yourself credit for being on the path; that alone is one of the most difficult steps.

Thank you so much for doing what you do so well and sharing it with us. Goodness, that really opened my eyes and woke me up to reality! Suzanne — this totally delighted me. Hahahah, and glad to hear that the TR article helped you… that was certainly a controversial one. I try to turn them all the way off at Thanks so much for sharing this. This post enabled to me have introspective epiphanies about things in my past that have negatively affected me in a significant way.

Things that I tried to brush over and never truly deal with. Now I feel like I have brought some of these issues to light, and I will be able to tackle them head on. You totally made my night.

Keep it up mon ami… good things are ahead of you. Im honored that my work resonates with you and that it helps you along your path. Loving yourself is a process, not a destination something I constantly remind myself of.

On a personal note, people like you, who continue reflecting and improving themselves and challenging themselves all through their lives inspire me. I aspire towards that.

This is the most beautiful way someone has put the idea of loving yourself together. In this day and age when I struggle to hold onto one sentence with full attention, I think I read this article while not breathing.. I stumbled across it looking for a little help, and I just felt the stress and tention leaving my shoulders while I read this..

Thank you so much! I am so touched to hear that this article helped you and resonated with you. Though that may sound trite or cliche as you read it, know that as I type it, it is deeply sincere. Im honored to be able to accompany you during the dark moments — remember, they pass. Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply! It appears you are a true giver and like someone said in a TEDTalk givers make the world a better place. I appreciate that more than you know. In fact, one of the very few ideas I have A LOT of faith in is that if we give without expecting or demanding much in return, the better everything goes.

So…as I stand at the precipice of attempting the journey to love myself, Ive found your article resonates so deeply. Your words were almost like hearing my voice in my own head. From an alcoholic dad, a child of divorce, being molested as a child, domestic violence as an adult, a drug addicted brother, another brother I lost to suicide and now fighting my own battle with loneliness, inadequacy and relentless anxiety about my own failings…..

I have tried and failed many times to forgive myself, to love myself and each time I come up empty and broken. I felt so moved and so familiar with what you have written in this piece that I just had to reply. Lisa — so glad to hear that this article resonates deeply with you and I really appreciate your note. Keep fighting for that light. It will grow brighter. A lot of times, the hardest part is owning the decision to invest in yourself.

Thanks so much for writing this. This has helped give me a perspective that I need. Have a great weekend. Thank you for making this available for those who are suffering with themselves and not hiding enlightenment behind a paywall; like most others would. Every sentence is like a punch to the gut in terms of how true it is to me. Good luck on your path. Thanks for this article. This really hits home. I have been working hard all my life hoping some time that I would love myself.

Now wonderful wife and daughter and still the same daemon as in I am the one holding myself back with negative imaging.

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